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Rank: Advanced Member  Groups: Registered
Joined: 12/3/2009 Posts: 1,110 Location: London
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Amanda, I have no real words of comfort for you and your family and ofcourse your friends on their awful loss. Liz has been through this with her sister and so will understand. My loss of children has been within my special needs school, and our "babies" were lost from the ages of 4 upwards to their illnesses. It is so wonderful that you can provide such support and love at this time, I am sure they appreciate your love and kindness. I'm sure you know that if there was anything we could do for any of you we are here to do it. Please let us know if there is. My heart goes out to all of you, and I wish I could do so much more. Take care of yourself too. BARBARA
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Rank: Advanced Member  Groups: Registered
Joined: 12/3/2009 Posts: 1,740
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Amanda hugs of comfort may the good lord strengthen you all,such sweet ideas the lock hair cards,food love and support for your dear friends.when my friend lost her baby miracle last febuary we also could noly hug cry and in no words came much comfort. our good lord will protect your little miracle,i praying you managed eat more sips fluid as often as you can. hoping you have news of post mortem by now,and know im here hun. much lv melly cuddly cats make my world seem so much more fun
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Rank: Advanced Member  Groups: Registered
Joined: 12/3/2009 Posts: 872
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melly wrote:in no words came much comfort So very true xxxxx
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Rank: Advanced Member  Groups: Registered
Joined: 12/3/2009 Posts: 1,582 Location: Oxfordshire
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Hi,
I know this is supposed to be my 'pregnancy' diary but I feel my Goddaughter was so much part of me too that is is appropriate to keep writing about it here.
Yesterday evening Marie and I went to see Emma and Andy, as soon as Mark came home from work we left. They were calmer and Emma especially almost looks serene. I think to be honest the house move has helped as she has something to concentrate on. It was the timing- being wrenched away after two days seemed so terribly unjust.
The police had come by to pick up the red baby book- you probably know what they are. All babies are given them and their growth and health are charted in these little books for a few years. Of course Emma had barely written in Marianna's. She said that the autopsy results should be out today (Weds). She feels very much that if it comes back as unexplained (which is the most probable) she will find this even harder to bear.
Emma is very clear on everything she wants- we talked and talked and it was very peaceful. Andy was a little better and they sat next to each other and were communicating well which was lovely to see.
They are having their new house blessed today by Fr Daniel who is there now and probably playing on their 14foot trampoline (he was excited at this prospect)!
Mark and I are going there tonight, Ben will come with as it is their eldest son's birthday today- sweet 16.
As for me, i am just terribly nauseous and sick. I was nearly sick in the car on the drive back last night which scared me as if I had been my eyes would have diverted from the road....Mark was cooking the pasta for my bolognese I ahd made earlier so I ate a lovely meal and even managed to keep it down. I was so so exhausted last night I actually went to sleep quickly.
I think I am quite run down though (not surprised) as I have huge mouth ulcers. I am also going to try and buy those re-hydration drinks as I am not drinkign enough and when I do it all comes back up again.
What a bore I am!
Love,
Amanda
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Rank: Advanced Member  Groups: Registered
Joined: 12/3/2009 Posts: 3,006 Location: Timperley
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Not a bore at all, my darling. Just a poorly, pregnant, beautiful lady who has the weight of huge sadness on her shoulders. Constantly in our prayers and thoughts.
MUCH love
Jeanxxxxx
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Rank: Advanced Member Groups: Registered
Joined: 12/3/2009 Posts: 1,740
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not a bore amanda just pregnant and under lot strain with such loss. good idea the drinks,you must have the fluid,food good you slept well it will help. praying here. lv melly cuddly cats make my world seem so much more fun
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Rank: Advanced Member
Groups: Registered
Joined: 12/3/2009
Posts: 585
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Hi Amanda
I just do not know what to say to you
I hope the sickness wears off soon for you
I have been thinking about you and Andy and Emma
you three and the family are still in my prayers
please try to take it easy I know you do not want to hear that
take care
Mary L
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Rank: Advanced Member Groups: Registered
Joined: 12/3/2009 Posts: 1,582 Location: Oxfordshire
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17.25 (Trying to make an early dinner and not suceeding!)
Mark went to drop my urine sample off at the GP's and went to ask for those sachets that someone suggested for sickness and she said 'NO way!', and that they're for gastro upset and only taken for one day which would be no help at all! She did say that ice lollies may help as she'd heard it on the radio!
So, my love came home with packets of ice lollies (all real fruit) but so far I haven't been able to touch them!
I am making myself lamb tonight, praying it digests and stays in me. I am thinking I may ahve to visit the GP soon.
Love,
Amanda
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Rank: Advanced Member  Groups: Registered
Joined: 4/20/2010 Posts: 1,749 Location: Somerset
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You poor thing.
I can remember that awful sick feeling and actually being sick.(although i am 56 and las preg 28 yrs ago)
It the last thing you could do with at the moment
Take care
rose
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Rank: Advanced Member Groups: Registered
Joined: 12/3/2009 Posts: 1,110 Location: London
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Amanda, you are right, must be run down with all that has happened to you. Regarding the ongoing sickness, maybe its time to see the gp and check your hydration levels. You are doing so much at the moment, and it will take its toll on your health. I'm glad Emma and Andy are communicating and know what they want to happen for their darling Marianna Rose. I remember the red book well!! Still have Georgia's my ohter three had a pink smaller type of one, and still have those too!! I hope the post mortem gives an answer, it will help their grief. Thinking of all of you, and sending hugs and prayers x x x BARBARA
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Rank: Advanced Member Groups: Registered
Joined: 12/3/2009 Posts: 1,582 Location: Oxfordshire
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7th May
I know I should be in bed but today has been so trying and so stressful.
Mark is working from home tomorrow which is a blessing and has also been under much stress at work and worry.
Well, the autopsy has showed it was a cot death which I have posted about on the main forum. It is so tragic yet now Emma and Andy have an answer and are feeling slightly relieved. Now we are all preparing for the forthcoming funeral. It has taken alot out of me today as I sat there praying (to Marianna!) to find a date for next week and no longer- it would have been unbearable to wait two whole weeks!
Now we have a date (13th) they, and we, feel calmer and can concentrate on the day. Marianna will be received into the Church on the Weds eve at 5pm, this is usually for very close family and friends. The Priest waits by the door for the coffin and leads it into Church singing/praying some special prayers. He will incense the coffin and we say some prayers. Because Marianna is an innocent and now a Saint, she needs absolutely no prayers at all so remaining with her as in a vigil like with an adult or a child over the age of reason, is unecessary. Her soul is undoubtedly with God and all His Angels and Saints.
The next day there will be a full Missae d'angelis- Mass of the Angels, again only celebrated where an innocent under the age of reason, has died. Everything is a beautiful white- the Priest's vestments, the altar linens, the flowers, the coffin. It is a Mass of celebration because Marianna is with the angels, looking down upon us mortals and she is now able to intercede and pray for us- what an honour! The grief will be very evident of course too, and for this I am scared, but I keep holding close that nothing can touch baby now, she is entirely at peace and in the most perfect place of all- Heaven.
Ryan (Emma's eldest son) and Ben will serve for the Mass which is also a huge grace for them. Then Ryan will carry the small coffin out of the Church, hand it to Andy (which we think is wonderful) and he will have the coffin on his lap all the way to the cemetery. How beautiful, what a picture of true family unity and family love!
The burial is at Wolvercote (a suburb of Oxford) and so they can visit often.
I have been immensely sick today again- recthing more than vomiting though which is a slight improvement. However feeling sick is even worse I think! The ice lollies are totally wonderful to eat yet they turn on me after about 10mins! Eeew, not nice at all....
I am ringing the herbalist tomorrow morning to ask how to take the herbs whilst retching?! and alos for Vit B pills as I know I need them. The ulcers are bad but I have a mouthwash and bonjela now.
Love,
Amanda
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Rank: Advanced Member Groups: Registered
Joined: 12/3/2009 Posts: 1,110 Location: London
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Dear Amanda and family, Emma and Andy and family, I pray the funeral is not too traumatic for all of you. The Mass of Angels sounds truly wonderful, little Marianna Rose, now with the angels. I would like to put a private message to you all, but cannot. I dont have your e mail address either. Thinking of you all at this very sad time x x x BARBARA
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Rank: Advanced Member Groups: Registered
Joined: 12/3/2009 Posts: 1,740
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Dearest amanda,family such difficult times so good to know date is soon and preprations all under way,do see gp asap amanda. best to take very good care of you yours with all the extra outings youve had to do,such emotional strain.words carnt express all id love to do is give you big hugs and pray with you. ice lollies sounds lovely idea keep trying,ring herbalist also. what a beautiful cermony lay out. much lv melly cuddly cats make my world seem so much more fun
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Rank: Advanced Member  Groups: Registered
Joined: 12/3/2009 Posts: 3,157 Location: Huddersfield
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Just a thought Amanda, if the ice lollies help but then make you sick, what about ice cubes or ice lollies made just with water?
Thinking of you.
Love, Doreen xx
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Rank: Advanced Member Groups: Registered
Joined: 12/3/2009 Posts: 1,582 Location: Oxfordshire
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8th May
I am so sad again- tomorrow my dear Mark has to go away to London to set up for a large conference on Monday and Tuesday- he will be talking in front of......500 people! he feels totally unprepared and has been working much of the day and is still nervous. Three times he is speaking.....
All he wants to do is stay at home with me and the children and support Andy and Emma---I have already asked a lovely friend to help me on Monday with the children so I can take Emma to the funeral director's, thank God I can go.
I was at their house until 12.30am....too tired when I came home but Mark made me eat eggs on toast!
I love your suggestion Doreen about the ice cubes- what a genius! I will try this tonight when I go to bed in a moment. I have been very sick once today so not too terrible...but it continues. I went to the health food shop today and bought Vit B complex but promised lady i would check first. Then my friend Clare came who is a food guru (and Nourishing Traditions faithful follower....) and said it was odd that my cravings- red meat and eggs- were stacked with Vit B! She said if I am longing for foods like this it means my body actually needs them...I think she is very spot on. I bought real beef burgers and lamb chops today- I never buy these! LOL
I took Clare to see Emma at 3pm- (she has no car). All was quiet over there although her three youngest girls are very over tired and were very clingy to her today. She still seems serene- her parents arrive tomorrow again so I am sure she is relieved. She has designed the funeral and burial booklets- our friends are printing them out for her which is so kind.
I feel this tragedy has brought a cloud over my pregnancy which is so very sad for us. I can't still believe I am having a baby, and when ever someone talks about it I feel so funny. I am living for my scan next Saturday and praying and praying everything is alright- all the children are coming with me and Mark, just how we want it. They are part of this and need to be there...
Love,
Amanda
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Rank: Advanced Member Groups: Registered
Joined: 12/3/2009 Posts: 1,740
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praying for scan,funeral and strength for you all aww m away he be fine and soon back with you all. thats sweet all to go scan together. take care praying. melly cuddly cats make my world seem so much more fun
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Rank: Advanced Member Groups: Registered
Joined: 12/3/2009 Posts: 1,582 Location: Oxfordshire
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Saturday 15th May
Today we had our first scan! As you know we have had the most traumatic two weeks possible so I did spend much of the night worrying about it and I feel more panicked than I was.
I felt extremely scared walking into the hospital- the rememberance of dear Patrick's emergency birth came flooding back and I freaked when I saw two ambulances and this wa show I arrived. Mark just rubbed my back and kept saying I wa sonly having a scan and it will be just fine (he's SO placid and calming, what would I do without him?).
We found the ultra sound department. OH I must add- i was also very teary as Ben didn't come with! I was SO upset- but he has been arranging these football sessions with his cadets, we are very proud of him for arranging this as every saturday morning about 12 lads turn up at the sports centre next door and play footie which is excellent. He had forgetten to tell them and had already missed two weeks so he said he felt he had to go! I didn't say anything but I knew he felt guilty and sad.
Anyway- the lady called us in, I asked if the children could come with? She looked past me at the children and told us they were such quiet and well behaved children they could come in but let's check everything is fine first? We went in and it felt SO strange after ALL this time to be having a baby scan! We saw the little baby straight away jumping around! ALL looks absolutely FINE so far. The heart was beating and the baby kept facing us which was funny. I am more along than we thought- 12 weeks and 6 days! and the due date is now 21st November!
I was crying with joy! She called the children in and they were whooping with happiness and totally memorised by the images! She gave us five photos for half the price! (they charge now...such a cheek!)
So, this made my day and we feel very relieved and thankful all looks well at the moment. The lady knew the silver star team and has assured me they will look after me well..
I was so sick afterwards as I took Marie into Oxford to buy a new skirt- much better than our last shopping trip although I was nearly sick into the bag the skirt was in! LOL I had to race all the way abck to our Church to be sick in the toilets!
I said a BIG prayer of thanksgiving and met Mark..
Must get some sleep although I have been sick once already and am hungry now!
Love,
Amanda
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Rank: Advanced Member Groups: Registered
Joined: 12/3/2009 Posts: 872
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Ooo ~ 21st November now, how exciting!
Take care, Mark sounds great support :)
Glad you got piccies, can share with Ben ~ you must be really proud of him, he sounds very dedicated xx
Lots of love and hugs, hope you having some good sleep xxxxx
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Rank: Advanced Member
Groups: Registered
Joined: 12/4/2009
Posts: 2,127
Location: Thornton Cleveleys
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Wonderful news Amanda. This WILL all be okay, very pleased for you all.  Lyn x
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Rank: Advanced Member  Groups: Registered
Joined: 12/3/2009 Posts: 838 Location: Nottinghamshire
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I'm sitting here grinning from ear to ear with a very nice warm feeling in my heart.  Love Paula x x x
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